When I was much younger, living on my own for the first time, my father called to tell me he would be visiting. I was excited and eager to show how well I was managing between work, going to college and renting a small rural house. I was also eager to let him see how well my training was coming with my horse- a large semi-wild mare I had purchased as a rescue horse against my family’s advice.

The day he arrived was a good day. The mare had proven intelligent and, despite her original fears, had formed a close partnership with me. The house was tidy and repaired, the yard bright with the promise of summer to come. I proudly showed my father the house, pasture and yard, knowing they had the mark of someone who cared. I reported that, happily, I had managed to get into some honors classes at college and had been placed on both the Dean’s list and the President’s list with my grades, despite having to work at night to help pay my tuition.

After a while, my father paused, approached me closely, looked right into my eyes and in a somber voice, enunciating clearly so I could hear each word, said  “You know- you are really ugly”.

To this day, I don’t know what I was supposed to feel, or how I was supposed to react.
I do know that on that day, I realized there were not always going to be happy endings, no matter how hard I tried. I realized that sometimes, the people we love do not always have our best interests in mind and speak from some dark place of their own pain and fear.

After he’d gone to his hotel, I spent the long afternoon thinking about what he had said. And I realized that, while there might have been a certain truth in his words, I did not have to allow his or any other person’s words to have power over me or my future. Nor did I have to allow the hurt I felt to overwhelm my spirit.

That day turned out to be life-changing.

On that day, I decided not to let anyone ever tell me what I could or could not be; I decided never to let anyone tell me what I should believe or value about myself, others or the world.

On that day, I decided to make certain each day would see me try to learn something to value in life.

On that day, I decided I would challenge the norms and ideologies that surrounded me, make them prove their worth or value to me rather than accept them blindly.

Also on that day, I decided I would try to never touch anyone with the pain with which my father had struck me. I determined to approach each person, no matter their creed, race, ethnicity, orientation, gender or appearance, with a desire to discover the common humanity of each.

By sunset of that day, I had changed. I used the lessons from that day to make many of my dreams come true.

I trained that mare and went on to earn an Equestrian Presidential Sports Award. I joined an equestrian drill team, participated in competitive trail riding, raised other horses and taught local children to ride, and trained horses for other people.

I created a living telegram business that enabled other women and men to earn the funds to fulfill their dreams of going to college and take care of their families.

I founded a Fusion dance company that successfully ran and toured for almost 20 years and its members went on to create their own companies: I owned my own dance studio. I designed and sold costumes for performers, and studied ethnic dances from around the world. I learned a great deal about music from around the world and met men and women from many places and cultures.

I wrote and developed educational materials for teachers, for artists, and wrote articles for newspapers and magazines.

I traveled overseas and went on to have friends all over the world and from all walks of life; I was given the opportunity to learn the rich diversity of experience we can offer each other.

I served as a cultural specialist for schools and as the director of a federal facility.

I began to design jewelry, owned my own arts shop, volunteered at the county fair, and worked to promote community activities.

Through these years, there were many times of hardship and struggle. I used the lessons of that day with my father to carry me through, to empower me to keep trying. So I owe him a debt of gratitude. I couldn’t change how people might judge my appearance, but I could change how I dealt with what he had said to me, what other people might say.

I chose to make it lift me rather than let it make me fall.

I chose to rise above rather than fall beneath.

I chose to dream wide rather than make my world narrow.

All because someone chose to hurt rather than be thoughtful.

The truth is:

On any day, people tell us what to believe about ourselves and the world around us. And all too often, what they tell us is spoken with such authority and certainty that most of us believe their words. We begin to accept what we are told to feel, think, believe and do, without questioning either the truth of those words or their suitability for our own lives. The automatic, unconscious acceptance of their words misleads us into thinking the words we hear on a daily basis are unquestionably true. It takes courage to seek the truth.

At some point in life, we will each experience some kind of pain- a bitter disappointment, a tragedy, a walk into the shadows, despair, a sense of uselessness. Each of us will experience a private “dark night of the soul”, and despite being surrounded by friends and family, we will confront that darkness alone. Each of us, alone and in the shadow area, will have to decide how we will be changed by the experience. It will take strength to confront the dark and not let it win.

At some point, each of us will witness an act of cruelty, verbal or physical, whether against an animal or another person- and each of us alone will have to decide whether we will confront that cruelty or allow it. It takes great compassion to take a stand against spite and cruelty

At some point, each of us will have to decide how we will define and live our lives.

We will have to decide whether we will leave behind a legacy of wisdom or a path of destruction.

And the most personal truth is: YOU are given the gift of choice in every situation.

You will choose to act with honor even when the cost seems too high- or you will choose dishonor.

You will choose to speak with veracity- or you will choose to lie.

You will speak truth to power- or you will choose to live in fear.

You will choose to respect yourself and others- or you will choose to disrespect all things.

You will choose obedience to your own conscience- or obedience to ideology.

You will live to rise; to strive for excellence- or you will diminish yourself to appease others.

You will choose to define yourself – or allow others to define you.

Through your life, you will have opportunities to choose strength, honor, wisdom, courage and the will of your own human spirit- or to never know who you are, or where you stand.

You might become poor or inherit or gain great wealth- but daily, you will be challenged to understand what true poverty is, what true wealth consists of.

You might be called ugly, or you might be called beautiful- but daily, you will be challenged to understand what true beauty is and where real ugliness resides.

You will give thought to your world and decide what your beliefs and value are, or you will be told what you should believe, experience the pressure to conform- but daily, you will be challenged to be true to yourself or follow the herd to be accepted even though it kills your spirit.

You might become a follower or you might lead the crowd- daily, you will be challenged to understand what true leadership is and to realize that human progress has only taken place when the non-conformist is allowed to thrive.

You will have to confront the questions of

What to believe     What to feel     What to think     Who you truly are

What future you wish to envision for yourself, your world and everyone and everything on it…

…. And only you will be able to decide what the answers will be.

Your choices will determine if you can stand again after a failure.

Your choices will determine if you can remain grateful and appreciative if you succeed.

Your choices will decide whether you succumb to the dark or rise above it.

Your choices will determine if people remember your kindnesses- or curse your cruelty.

Your choices will determine a legacy for the world of Tomorrow- you will choose a dark world of misery and despair, or a bright world of life and hope.

Your choices will determine who and what you are at the end of your life: the character you have created for yourself. ..and only you have the power to determine those choices.

May you choose courage, strength, wisdom, honor, compassion and the will of your own human spirit.

© 2008